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OFFICIAL DECREE FROM THE CO-COMMISSIONERS: Week 4 has concluded, and the League must face an uncomfortable fact: both Co-Commissioners won this week. An audit has been demanded and will be conducted by whichever Co-Commissioner loses first. Meanwhile, Yaya stands alone at 4-0 atop the Holy Grail, No Collusion has tasted its first defeat, and Concussion Check remains winless after falling by a mere 3.90 points to one of the aforementioned Commissioners. The Commissioner in question would like the record to show that his criticism comes from a place of love, that he lives in the same house as the accused, and that he has been advised to stop gloating at dinner. Furthermore, bring me a shrubbery!
The Co-Commissioners
The Commissioner survives by 3.90 points despite a goose egg from Ladd McConkey. Concussion Check was a whisker from its first win, undone by Ja'Marr Chase's 2.70, which the Commissioner insists he had nothing to do with. He reports the mood at home is 'fine' and asks that nobody ask follow-up questions.
Co-Commissioner Working on Weekend wins by 6.48 behind Tetairoa McMillan's 31.20, a number so big it needs its own zip code. Waffles got 1.00 from Saquon Barkley and still topped 109, which says a lot about everyone else on the roster.
Yaya hangs 130.52 to hand No Collusion its first loss and take the Holy Grail throne alone. Kyle Monangai's 27.00 at flex and CeeDee Lamb's 24.30 did the damage. Rashee Rice's 0.00 did No Collusion's.
Kenneth Walker III (30.90) and Javonte Williams (26.30) scored nearly three-quarters of what Chubby Unicorn managed all week. That 78.48 was the lowest score in the league, with Parker Washington chipping in a heroic 1.00 at flex.
A roster built almost entirely out of 49ers and Rams delivered: Kyren Williams 26.70, Brock Purdy 25.62, Puka Nacua 18.70. Rightful Place got a monster 32.16 from Drake Maye and almost nothing from Davante Adams (3.20).
Drake Maye, Rightful place (10th place)
The best single score in the league this week came from the team that lost by 28.16. Jonathan Taylor added 21.70. The other seven starters combined for 40.10 and appear to have attended a different game.
Ladd McConkey and Rashee Rice, Bring Me A Shrubbery and No Collusion
A tie. No Collusion lost by 20.54, so its zero was a story. The Commissioner's zero was merely embarrassing, because he won anyway, which nobody is allowed to mention at dinner.
Saquon Barkley, Waffles
Projected for 8.74 and delivered 1.00 and a moment of silence.
Will Reichard, Waffles
Out-scored Malik Nabers (17.20) and Tee Higgins (15.70) from the kicker spot, and Waffles still lost by 6.48. Football is a cruel and funny game.
Kyle Monangai, Yaya
Yaya's flex spot out-scored No Collusion's quarterback and tight end combined (15.78).
Parker Washington, Chubby Unicorn
A single point at flex helped hold Chubby Unicorn to the league's lowest score (78.48). He has been referred to the Ministry of Silly Walks.
How the standings looked after Week 4.
The last unbeaten knight in the kingdom. Nobody else has found the Grail, and Yaya has started charging admission.
Most points in the league (491.48) and, for the first time, a loss. Rashee Rice's 0.00 is being blamed on the schedule, the weather, and Mercury.
Stingiest defense in the league (350.86 against) and now putting up 113 on a good week. The castle walls are holding.
Co-Commissioner. Won ugly (89.12) and won anyway. Has ruled that style points do not exist and the audit can wait.
Lamar Jackson gave 23.88 and Saquon Barkley gave 1.00. Also has allowed the most points in the league, which the front office calls 'hospitality.'
Co-Commissioner on a two-game heater thanks to a 31.20 eruption from Tetairoa McMillan. Working on the weekend, winning on the weekend.
Second-most points in the league and finally a win to show for it. Fortune is slowly turning toward the ferret.
Now 8th and drifting upward, away from its own name against its will. Drake Maye scored 32.16 and most of the roster took the week off.
Lowest score of the week (78.48), including 1.00 from the flex spot. The unicorn is searching for a magic horn and a better lineup.
Winless, but only 3.90 points from 1-3, and the defense numbers say contender. The pieces are there (Kamara 17.80, Hurts 17.52). The Commissioner expects results, in a loving, supportive, deeply nervous way.
If you encounter a particularly stubborn opponent...
...And the Lord did grin.