Official homepage of the Bigfoot's Bush league
You are reading the Week 5 archive. Back to the current week
OFFICIAL DECREE FROM THE CO-COMMISSIONERS: As promised in Week 4, the audit will be led by whichever Co-Commissioner lost first. That is Bring Me A Shrubbery, which scored 86.90, the lowest of the week, and started five players who combined for 5.00 points. The auditor has recused himself on grounds of embarrassment. Elsewhere, No Collusion reclaims the throne at 4-1, Yaya's perfect season ends by 3.28 points, and Rightful place scored 140.26, the second-best total of the week, and lost anyway. Concussion Check remains winless but performed, scoring 109.90, which is 24.68 more than last week and 23.00 more than the Commissioner's team. The Commissioner would like it noted that he said she needed to perform, that she did, and that this will be discussed at dinner. In other business, Working on Weekend has denied, for the record, that a pool is being installed at his house. The League accepts this and will continue monitoring satellite imagery. Furthermore, bring me a shrubbery!
The Co-Commissioners
The Commissioner's team scored 86.90, the lowest of the week. Cairo Santos (1.00), David Montgomery (1.10), Juwan Johnson (1.60), DK Metcalf (2.30) and a Raiders defense at minus 1.00 combined for 5.00 points. The kicker gap alone was 20.00, because Spencer Shrader hit 21.00 for No Collusion. Josh Allen's 34.50 deserved better colleagues.
Concussion Check scored 109.90, which is 24.68 more than last week and 23.00 more than the Commissioner's team, and it still was not enough. Aaron Rodgers delivered 30.00 at quarterback. Waffles won while starting Saquon Barkley, projected for 0.00 and true to the forecast, thanks to Jaylen Warren's 34.80. The Commissioner has been asked to retire the phrase 'she needs to perform.' She did.
The closest finish of the week and the end of Yaya's perfect season. Jared Goff (34.94) and Tyler Warren (14.40) did their part. CeeDee Lamb and KC Concepcion scored 1.40 points from a combined projection of 19.78, which is how you lose by 3.28. The Beat Goes On got 33.32 from Matthew Stafford, 30.50 from Bucky Irving and 18.00 from the Packers defense, and rises to second.
The two best scores of the week in one matchup. Working on Weekend hit 145.10 behind Joe Burrow (34.60), Jahmyr Gibbs (32.70) and Isaiah Likely (21.40), and won while starting Roman Wilson, who scored 0.00. Rightful place got 48.46 from Drake Maye and 140.26 overall, a total that beats every other team in the league, and lost its fourth straight anyway. Working on Weekend, a Co-Commissioner, will be investigating itself for fairness and expects to be cleared. It also reminds everyone that there is no pool, and that a 145.10 week is simply what happens when a manager has nothing to dig.
Chubby Unicorn won by 22.72 behind Jordan Love (35.28), Christian Watson (30.30) and Parker Washington, whose 26.40 at flex arrives one week after a 1.00 that the Ministry of Silly Walks is still investigating. Fuzzy Ferret had Puka Nacua's 20.70 and 18.00 from the 49ers defense and has now lost four of five.
Drake Maye, Rightful place (10th place)
Four touchdown passes and 374 yards make Maye the Boom of the Week for the second week running, and by more than 13 points over anyone else. Rightful place lost both weeks anyway, the second by 4.84, which is a very specific kind of cruelty.
Saquon Barkley and Roman Wilson, Waffles and Working on Weekend
A tie, and a rare one: both managers started a player projected for 0.00 and both won anyway. Waffles won by 8.52 and Working on Weekend by 4.84, so neither zero cost a thing. Saquon is now on this page for the second straight week.
CeeDee Lamb, Yaya
Projected for 13.27 and delivered 0.90, a shortfall of 12.37 that was the largest in the league. Yaya lost by 3.28. Anyone with a calculator can finish the story.
Jason Myers, Rightful place (10th place)
Five field goals and two extra points made Myers the top kicker of the week, and one more reason Rightful place's 140.26 will sting tomorrow. At the other end, Cairo Santos scored 1.00 for the Commissioner, who is considering a roster move or a long walk.
Parker Washington, Chubby Unicorn
One week after scoring 1.00 and earning Flex Villain, Washington caught for 124 yards and two touchdowns, one of them a 40-yarder. Chubby Unicorn would like it known that it never doubted him.
KC Concepcion, Yaya
Five receiving yards in the flex spot, 6.01 below projection, in a game Yaya lost by 3.28. Lamb and Concepcion together delivered 1.40 points. Yaya is currently accepting thoughts and prayers.
How the standings looked after Week 5.
Back on top, and by a mile: 614.42 points is 71.90 more than the next best team. Its top scorer this week was a kicker. This is either elite roster construction or witchcraft.
Quietly 4-1 and quietly the stingiest defense in the league at 459.70 points against. It handed Yaya its first loss and did not make a speech about it. Suspicious.
The perfect season is over, undone by 3.28 points and a combined 1.40 from CeeDee Lamb and KC Concepcion. Still 4-1, which is fine, which Yaya keeps saying, loudly.
Three straight wins and the week's top score, 145.10, with a zero in the lineup. It has also faced the most points against in the league (574.40) and is still 3-2, so it has survived the hardest road on the map. Rumors of a backyard pool are false, according to the manager, who understands that denying it this loudly is exactly what a person with a pool would do.
Won while starting Saquon Barkley (0.00) and a quarterback who scored 9.92. That is a lot of fortune for one week, and Waffles has been advised to enjoy it quietly.
The Commissioner's team scored 86.90, started five players worth 5.00 combined, and fell from 4th to 6th. An auditor has been appointed and it is the Commissioner. He has recused himself, and will do so again if asked.
A 126.38 week and a redemption arc for Parker Washington lift the unicorn from 9th to 7th. Still under .500, but the horn is pointing up.
Has outscored Yaya, Bring Me A Shrubbery and Chubby Unicorn and is somehow 1-4. The league's most unlucky ferret has filed a complaint with the Ministry of Silly Walks.
140.26 points is the highest losing score of the week. Drake Maye has scored 80.62 over two weeks and has zero wins to show for it. The team name is a prophecy, and at 9th it is treating the appeal as a moral victory.
Scored 109.90, which is 24.68 more than last week and 23.00 more than the Commissioner's team, and is still 0-5. The performance is there; the win column is not. Aaron Rodgers' 30.00 deserves a better ending.
Projected points and win odds, courtesy of Yahoo.
The Commissioner needs a bounce-back, and Yaya needs one more. Yahoo calls it a coin flip, separated by 0.32 points. The Commissioner's kicker scored 1.00 last week, so he will be checking the kicker's matchup twice.
The league's top team meets a team that started a goose egg last week and won anyway. No Collusion is a 71 percent favorite. Waffles will need Saquon Barkley to be available, or at least projected for something.
Fuzzy Ferret has the fifth-most points in the league and one win. The Beat Goes On has won two straight and owns the stingiest defense in the league. Yahoo likes The Beat Goes On at 61 percent, but Fuzzy Ferret is due.
Yahoo projects Working on Weekend for just 71.84, the lowest in the league, a week after it scored 145.10 and extended a three-game win streak. Chubby Unicorn is an 81 percent favorite. The Co-Commissioner has filed the projection under 'lies'. If it loses, the League will assume the manager was busy not building a pool.
Concussion Check is the biggest underdog on the board at 17 percent, facing a Rightful place team that scored 140.26 last week and lost. Somebody here is finally going to feel the sun. The Commissioner has been advised to be supportive, in public.
If you encounter a particularly stubborn opponent...
...And the Lord did grin.